Murder for Love
by White Meteor
Summary: SenRu Kaede wakes up w/ amnesia and finds out he may be the only eyewitness to a murder **COMPLETED**
1. Prologue

﻿ 

Disclaimer: All SD characters were created by Inoue Takehiko-sama.

Part: 1/6 (I'm actually done it. I just have to type and proofread it)

Genre: Tragedy/Angst/Romance

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: SenRu mainly

A/N: I was inspired after reading Crystal-sama's Decompression Period. I wonderful angst fic.

Thanks Anduril. I totally remembered wrong.So yes, thank-you very much for correcting me.

****

Prologue

I blinked as the harsh lights entered my eyes, making them water. I was vaguely aware that there was a figure beside me. A hand holding mine. I glance down to see a boy with his head resting on the bed. I tried to move but my body felt awkward. Like a machine that hasn't been used for a long time. I tried to sit up. The boy stirred and looked up at me. His face showed surprise and joy, "You're awake! You're finally awake! I'll go inform the doctors immediately!"

I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to protest but my throat was sore and extremely dry. I felt his hands leave mine. I heard him yelling excited.

A minute later the doctor came in and flash a light on my pupil, asking me to follow it. Then he proceed to examine my head.

"Where am I?" I asked with an extremely coarse voice that sounded unfamiliar.

"The hospital," the doctor said, "how are you feeling?"

"Not so well. Why am I here?"

"You don't remember?" the doctor asked.

I shook my head.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

'Last thing?' I thought.

My mind came up blank. I felt very frightened, "I…I don't remember. I don't remember anything! Why am I here! Who am I? Why can't I remember anything!"

My head began to hurt. It felt like…like someone stuffed it so full it'll explode, "Argh! I can't remember!"

T.B.C


	2. Chapter 1

﻿ 

**Chapter 1**

The boy took my hand and said firmly, "You are Rukawa Kaede."

"Rukawa Kaede?" I repeated, the words sounded hollow in my ears. I don't recognize them. There were no familiarity.

He smiled and told me, "It's alright. Everything will be ok…"

I wish I could believe those words.

"I got to go out for a moment, ok?"

I wanted to tell him no it's not ok. I don't want to be alone but I nodded. He went out with the doctor. I knew it was bad. It was always bad when they can't talk in front of you. I looked around the room. There were flowers on the table beside my bed, blue orchids, 'Are these my favourite flowers? Why can't I remember a single thing about myself?'

I looked at the window and could see my reflection on the glass. I don't even recognize myself. Staring back at me, was someone I didn't know, didn't understand. He looked troubled…vulnerable. I looked at him intensely, hoping maybe he could give me a clue to who I was. I didn't know who long I was staring, probably a very long time. I was so absorbed I didn't even realize the boy came back in.

"Are you alright?"

I turned my attention back to him, "What did the doctor say?"

"That you're ok…but you have amnesia. But only in regards to episodic memory, meaning you can't remember things about your life yet basic knowledge is unaffected."

"Will…will I ever…recover?"

He looked uncomfortable, "Not sure. It may be temporary and everything will come back to you in a few days, weeks, years, or…."

"Never," I finished for him bitterly.

"Gomen…gomen nasai…"

He looked sad and in pain. I don't like seeing him like so. It's….wrong…

"Who are you?"

He brightened up and replied, "Sendoh Akira."

"Sendoh Akira…" I said, trying to link something with his name, his face but, "nothing…I don't…"

"Don't force yourself. It'll come back gradually," he said taking a seat beside the bed.

'But I want to know!' I thought.

I grabbed a hold of him and asked desperately, "What is our relationship, Akira!"

He looked at me oddly and asked, "You really don't remember?"

"No," I sobbed.

"We're…you're my boyfriend, Kaede," he said softly.

"Boyfriend? But we're both…" I wanted to say male but somehow it seemed right. The idea that I was with him, didn't trouble me at all.

He looked like he was expecting the worst.

I let go of him and asked shyly now, "Um…can you tell me more about myself?"

He grinned, "Sure. What would you like to know?"

"Anything. Everything!"

"Well, you're in second year high school. Your 2 passions are basketball and sleeping. You're naturally…a quiet person. Your favourite words are baka and do'aho. Some people misunderstand you for a cold person. But in reality you're very caring, you just don't express your feelings well. So you're hard to get to know. But once they get to know you, they can't help but love you…"

I sounded like a complex person. Akira was very absorbed in what he was saying. I could tell him really cared for me.

A knocking at the door, "Rukawa-san, may I come in and ask you some questions?"

I looked at the two police officers and was very nervous, 'Did I do something wrong?"'

I nodded and gulped.

"We know you just woke up and we'll keep this brief so you can rest, ok?"

I nodded.

"I'm Officer Nishi and she's Officer Shiono."

I looked at them.

"Do you remember what happened 17 days ago, on November 5 around 10:30, at Shohoku gym?"

"17 days ago?"

Officer Nishi nodded.

"No…what happened?"

"Your team mate Sakuragi Hanamichi was found shot in the head. He died instantly. You were found outside the gym, unconscious on the ground. We received an anonymous call telling us to go there. We have no leads thus far, and you may be the only witness to this crime. So…"

I zoned out the rest of her words, 'A murder? I'm an eyewitness? Sakuragi Hanamichi… Why does that name sound so familiar? I know him!'

I hit the heel of my hands against my forehead, 'Who? Who is he? Remember, damn it! Remember! What happened?'

Someone grabbed my hand, "Stop it!"

'Akira…'

"I'm sorry Officers. As you are aware he suffered a huge head trauma. But what you're unaware of, is that he currently has amnesia. I'm afraid he won't be of much help…"

"Oh…"

"Well, if you remember anything. Anything at all no matter how unimportant it may seem, please call us," Officer Shiono said handing me a card.

I took it with shaky hands.

They left.

Akira asked me worriedly, "Are you alright?"

"Sakuragi Hanamichi…I know him…"

"Yeah, he's your team mate."

"What…what can you tell me about him?"

He frowned, "Not that much. I know you two were close. You call him do'aho and he calls you kitsune but those are just nicknames. You two were more like brothers. He liked a girl call Haruko who likes you. You admire him, you compliment on his growth as a basketball player. But that's about all I know. Gomen."

"No…don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong," I said.

I tried to connect the name Sakuragi Hanamichi with a face but couldn't. I knew the information was buried in my mind somewhere. Why can't I get it out!

"You know sometimes the more you try to remember something, the more it escapes you," Akira said, "but it'll pop up when you least expect it."

I knew, of course what he said was true. I needed…no, wanted to think about something else, "Can you tell me more about us? Like…how we met?"

"Sure…then I have to start with our first meeting. Practise match: Shohoku vs. Ryonan. I noticed you immediately during that game…"

_T.B.C_


	3. Chapter 2

Part: 3/6

Genre: Tragedy/Angst/Romance

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: SenRu

A/N: Thanks Anduril, frozenfemale, Eddie for reviewing. *S*

****

Chapter 2

Akira just left to go home to wash up. He promised to be back soon.

A nurse came in, "Here's your breakfast. Oh, your friend left?"

I nodded.

"He came to visit you everyday while you were asleep and talks to you. Sometimes he cries. You're very lucky to have someone that cares for you, that much."

I smiled softly.

"Rukawa you really are awake!" a girl with long wavy brown hair cried.

A group of people came in.

"You can't all be in here at once. He needs…" the nurse began but got forced out the door.

It was overwhelming as everyone began to talk at once and ask questions.

Finally I was able to cut in and ask, "Who are you guys?"

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head, "Gomen, I have amnesia and-"

Before I could even finish a boy grabbed me and yelled, "What do you mean you have amnesia?! You're the only one who saw the murder! You have to remember! We waited long enough for you to wake up!"

Three guys tried to pull him off but he held onto me tightly and shook me. It hurt and his actions terrified me.

Finally the girl shouted, "Stop it, Youhei! Can't you see he doesn't remember? It's not his fault. You can't force him to remember."

.

I was packing my bag when Akira came in and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Packing. I have to get out of here. I want to go home."

"But the doctors want to monitor you for one more day, to ensure you're ok."

"I'm fine. I'm going," I stated stubbornly.

"Kaede, don't act like this. You'll get me very worried. Stay for one more day. Please?"

I frowned and looked at him.

He looked at me with these hopeful and pleading eyes.

I sighed defeated, "Ok. But you got to tell me how you finally realized my feelings for you."

"Ok," he agreed.

I got back onto the bed and leaned back against the pillow.

"Well…the moment I realize you were in love was at the amusement park. I realized it because I saw you smile, for the first time. I didn't know until then, that you got a dimple on your left cheek. The day began like this…"

I listen intensely and though it didn't provoke any memory it did stir some emotions. This warm, tingly feeling…

.

I looked around my apartment. It felt empty. It didn't feel like my house at all. No feelings, or attachments.

"Is something the matter Kaede?"

I shook my head, "Nope. Lets go to the amusement park."

"Amusement park?"

I nodded and smiled, "Yep. Maybe it can jolt back some memories, if we went back to the places we've been."

He smiled, "Ok."

.

It was fun. No fun doesn't describe it. It was very…pleasurable. We went on the exciting rides and even some of the kiddie rides like the tilting cups, bumper cars, merry-go-round. Bad idea because apparently Akira gets dizzy easily and when you've gobbled down hot dogs, cotton candy, popcorn and soda…

He won me a huge stuffed polar bear. I felt very silly carrying it around, but I didn't mind.

It was an amazing date. Although there was one point in the date I felt something was off. When we were ordering ice cream. I ordered vanilla and he ordered strawberry. It was odd but I couldn't shake off this feeling that he should've ordered chocolate… Why is that?

Currently we're going to a restaurant for dinner, when we ran into the boy from the hospital. His name's Youhei, I think. He stood in front of us. He looked horrible, a total mess, like he hasn't slept, shower or eaten in days. There was also a huge alcohol smell on him. He was drunk.

I tighten my grip on Akira's arm.

Akira continue to smile, "Hi, You-"

Youhei punched Akira so hard he was bleeding from his mouth. I was scared.

"Bastard! How dare you! Hanamichi's dead and the first thing you do is steal his boyfriend?! Rukawa belongs to Hanamichi! They love each other! You told Rukawa lies. They kept their relation a secret from everyone but I knew… Because I was Hanamichi's best friend…he told me everything… He never knew how much pain those words…a friend…."

'Hanamichi and I?!' I thought, 'that's not possible! Youhei…he loves Hanamichi. But…'

"You won't get away with this Sendoh!" he yelled and stumbled away.

.

I gently rolled the egg around the corner of his mouth, "Are you ok?"

He gave me a reassuring smile, "Of course, I am. You're here, right?"

I forced a smile and wondered aloud, "Why would he say those things…"

"Maybe because he's in pain and needs someone to blame. He was drunk. Do you believe him, Kaede?"

I shook my head, "I trust you, Akira."

The doorbell.

I went to answer. It was a police officer, "Sorry to bother you. But is Sendoh Akira here? We'd like to ask him a couple of questions in regard to a murder case."

'Question him?! About what?!'

__

~T.B.C


	4. Chapter 3

Part: 4/6

Genre: Tragedy/Angst/Romance

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: SenRu

A/N: Well, wonder no more, ppl. The mystery is now revealed. *L* Actually I wasn't really aiming for a mystery but I hope U guys had fun w/ guessing who it was *S* I guess I better start working on the Tragedy/Angst part, ne? And arigatou minna-san for reviewing. 

****

Chapter 3

I frowned, 'Akira's been in there for a long time. What's going on in there? They can't be thinking that…no way. Impossible!

A boy came in and gave me a long stare, before following the police into a room. I had a feeling I knew the boy and he was here for Akira.

10 minutes later Akira and the other boy emerged from their rooms.

One of the officer said, "Thank-you for you cooperation and time, Sendoh-san. You're free to go now."

"No problem."

The boy frowned, "Sendoh what happened to your face?"

"Nothing, really. You're here fast Kosh."

'So Akira does know him. He did come for Akira.'

"I was at home, when they called," he looked at me and asked, "Rukawa, how are you doing?"

"Ok. You are?"

"Koshino Hikoaki. I'm Sendoh's team mate. So do you remember anything?" he asked eyeing me intensely.

I felt uncomfortable under his powerful gaze.

"Kosh, I'll see you tomorrow, ok? I want to take Kaede home."

He nodded but his eyes never left me, 'Why is he looking at me like that?'

.

"Are you hungry?" Akira asked cheerfully, "of course you are. You haven't had dinner yet. What do you want to eat? I'm a pretty good cook you know."

'No I don't! That's the problem! I don't know or remember anything!' I wanted to scream but instead I asked, "what did they ask you?"

"Oh, nothing. You know the usually stuff."

"Did they suspect you?"

"I don't think they really suspected me. But they just have to follow up on every lead. Don't worry."

"Sumimasen…"  


He stood in front of me and asked in a concerned voice, "Why are you apologizing?"

"It's all my fault. If only I can remember… then I can tell them who did it. And then you won't be blamed. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry," I said breaking down.

He pulled me close and said softly, "Hush, Kaede. No one's blaming me. It's their obligation to question everyone. I don't think you realize the extent to which I love you. I won't be going to jail because you don't remember the murder…and even if I do go to jail because of you…I don't mind and I definitely won't blame you. I'd do anything to spare you the pain. I love you so much…"

"I love you too, Akira," I whispered back.

I felt something wet fall on my neck. I looked up at him, "Why are you crying, Akira? Did I say something wrong? Did I-"

He shook his head, "No. I'm happy. It's just…this is the first time…the first time you told me you love me…"

"I've never told you before?"

He shook his head.

I felt really guilty. I knew he must have said it to me. Don't ask me how but I just knew it. I smiled, "Well, in that case. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, …, I love you, Akira."

He shut his eyes and when he looked at me again with these brilliant blue eyes, he said the oddest thing. He said, "Arigatou gozaimasu, Kaede."

.

__

3 Weeks Later:

I yawned and got up to go to the washroom to brush my teeth. I glanced up at the mirror and recognized myself. I was beginning to recall and remember things. I focused on what happened that night prior to my head injury and this time it slowly replayed in my mind. And everything else came rushing back.

'Him?! He did it?!'

.

Finally, having set my mind to my plan, I phoned him.

"Moshi-moshi?"

"See you in 30 minutes at Okane Stream under the bridge where the train passes."

"You sound odd, are-"

"Just be there," I said firmly and added, "I remember everything."

I didn't wait for a response before I hung up.

.

"Gomen nasai. Am I late?"

I turned to him. He was still smiling. Always smiling.

"Are you ok, Kae-kun?"

"You did it Sendoh Akira. You killed Hanamichi. I remember everything. I was suppose to meet Hanamichi. I saw you outside the gym with a gun. I tried to stop you but you fling me against the wall and I hit my head. Everything went blank…"

"You got to believe me. That was an accident. I didn't mean to hurt you…" he said hastily.

"But you shot Hanamichi," I stated.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you shoot me as well?"

"Because I love you."

"You'll regret it. Because I'm going to the police right now to tell them everything I know," I told him, "you lied to me. My boyfriend. Hanamichi was my boyfriend. I went to the amusement park with him. We ran into you. What did you do?! Stalk us?! You're crazy, you know that!?!?"

"I don't think I'm crazy," he said calmly, "people do dumb things when they're in love."

I snort, "Love."

"Are you going to the police station now?"

"Yes," I said turning my back to him, I don't want to look at him. Not now.

"May I ask you one last question?"

The train was approaching, "What?"

"When you told me you loved me. Did you mean it?"

I replied truthfully, "I did…at that moment, I did."

I began walking away.

The sound for the gunshot was drowned by the passing train.

**__**

~T.B.C


	5. Chapter 4

﻿ 

A/N: The _italicized _word R flashbacks BTW. W/ that said onto the next chapter.

**Chapter 4**

Akira ran to Rukawa, "Kaede! Kaede are you ok! Answer me!"

"He's dead."

He looked up at me tears streaming down his face, "Why, Kosh? Why did you do it?"

"I had not choice. He was going to turn you in," I stated, "he doesn't love you. At least, not after he remembers the truth."

Akira remained silent as he looked at Rukawa.

I went beside him and said, "Go home and rest. I'll take care of everything. You should hand me your shirt. It's got his blood on it. I'll help you get rid of it. If anyone ask we'll use the same alibi, ok? I'll phone you tomorrow."

He got up and wiped his tears away, with the back of his hand.

"Akira?"

He glance at Rukawa and took off his shirt, handing it to me.

"Go home and try to sleep, alright?"

He didn't reply me as he walked away completely detached. But I believe he'll be ok. I looked at Rukawa's body and began clearing the ground of any prints.

_We were watching TV when the news about Sakuragi and Rukawa came on._

_"This is horrible. Who would so such a thing?" I wondered aloud._

_"Me," he said listlessly._

_"What?" I cried, "you got to be kidding me!"_

_"No."_

_"Why!" I screamed._

_"He stole Kaede away from me…"_

_"Did you tell anyone else?"_

_"No…but I should go tell the police. What if they think Kaede did it?" he said nervously._

_'This is what he's worried about! This is what's going through his head!' I thought bewildered, "you can't be serious!"_

_He got up, "I can't let Kaede take the blame. I can't let them-"_

_I slapped him, "Wake up! Do you even know how serious this is! You're not going anywhere. You're going to pretend you know nothing! Rukawa won't be framed. They don't have the murder weapon for one thing and after a shot is fired, gunpowder is left on the shooter's clothes. They'll find none on Rukawa's clothes. They don't have any evidence to suspect or nail him. Do you still have the gun?"_

_'What the hell is he thinking? Why is he so damn obsess with Rukawa! He's not going to jail. I won't let that happen.'_

I burnt Akira's clothes, 'You should've been dead a long time ago. You can't blame me. If you would have realized how lucky you were…to have Akira's love…why didn't you treasure it? If it was me…'

I shook my head, 'He saved you once you know.'

_I was at the hospital, in Rukawa's room. I looked at his sleeping form and tightened my grip on the handle of the knife, 'It's either you or Akira. I'm sorry.'_

_"Kosh what are you doing!"_

_"What does it look like I'm doing? According to you, he knows and saw everything. If he wakes up, you're doomed. We have to kill him too."_

_"No! I won't let you harm him. I…I love him. I hope…he wakes up soon."_

The sound of my radio alarm woke me up. I looked at the time, 'I should phone Akira. I hope he's doing ok.'

From the radio came the news, "Last night 17 year old Sendoh Akira turned himself in, claiming he was responsible for the murder of 16 year old Sakuragi Hanamichi and…"

'Akira! He what?'

I went to see him.

The baka actually came out smiling, "Ohayou, Kosh."

"What the hell are you thinking! You idiot! Why!"

"Because I killed him," he stated quietly.

"Him? Why did you choose to admit it now? Sakuragi died more than a month ago. They never would've found you."

"Not Sakuragi. Kaede."

"Rukawa! You didn't-"

"I did," Akira said, "had I not kill Sakuragi you wouldn't have to kill Kaede."

"Akira," I said trying to sound patient, "do you not understand? It is not your fault he's dead. It's my fault, it's his own fault but not yours. Why is Rukawa the only one on your mind? Do you know there are other people in this world? Other people that care about you?"

"I know Kosh," he said softly, "that's why I don't blame you. You did what you did to protect me. I did what I did out of jealousy. Your actions were more noble than mine."

"There's something I want to know."

"What?" he asked.

"Do you think it's worth it? Doing to jail for the rest of your life for someone that doesn't love you? For someone who was going to hand you over to the police for another guy? I don't mean at this moment, but do you think you'll regret it in 3, 5, 10 years from now? Can you stand by your decision without regret?"

He smiled softly, "Yes. Because he's the only one I love, the only one I'll ever love. Since the moment I killed Sakuragi I expected to go to jail. I killed him at that moment because I truly hated him and because I can't stand the sight of them together. If you ask me whether I regret that night I can tell you, yes. I regret it because it inadvertently led to Kaede's death. But at the same time…I know this is selfish but I don't regret killing him. Because had I not kill him, Kaede and I never would have gotten together. I can't take back what I've done, but I can control what I'm going to do. I won't regret admitting to the murder because those 26 days were the happiest time of my life. Those memories are enough to sustain me for a lifetime. Especially knowing that at one time Kaede did truly love me. Where I am does not matter anymore. Now that Kaede's gone, it's all the same. And anyways this is where Kaede thought I should be, where he wanted me to be. I should pay for my sins. For killing him."

Tears spilled down my cheeks. I knew he meant everything he said. He won't regret it, he's happy here. But do I regret it? Do I regret following him to the stream, after I heard him received that phone call? I expected the worst right away. I brought the gun with me and I didn't hesitate in pulling the trigger. Because I believe I was doing what was best for the person I love. Do I regret it? Killing Rukawa?

"Kosh, I'm so sor-"

"Don't say it," I said getting up to leave.

**_T.B.C_**


	6. Epilogue

A/N: The _italicized _words this time is the stuff Akira's reading.

****

Epilogue

The day after he came and visited me, I heard of his death. Suicide due to an overdose of sleeping pills, with no evidence of fowl play. I looked at the suicide message Kosh left for me and opened it.

But before I could read it a guard came and told me, "Sendoh, you got a visitor."

'Visitor? Who?'

He accompanied me as I walked out, 'Ayako?'

"Hey."

She looked seriously pissed off and demanded, "Why did you kill Rukawa?! How could you, you cold-blooded heartless bastard!"

I was unaffected by her words. Since Kaede's death I felt…nothing.

She fling a book at me. It hit me square in the chest, I caught it as it fell.

"This was Kaede's journal. I thought you might want to read his last entry. I want to see how you could kill someone that loves you so much!"

.

I was back, alone in my cell. The guard had just examined Kaede's journal to make sure there was nothing in it that could aid me in escaping. I decided to read Kosh's letter first.

Dear Akira,

I wonder what your thoughts would be when you hear of my death. Will you be wondering why I did it? Or could you not care less? Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking, that you'd care.

Love at first sight really does exist because I love you the moment I saw you. Of course at that time I didn't know it was love, after all we were just in elementary. I never knew you could love someone that fully, that unconditionally.

_I thought really long before I made this choice. I have nothing to live for anymore, no reason to exist. I understand now that in your heart, you'll only love Rukawa. You don't even have the tiniest room for me. You don't even hate me for what I did. You forgave me, and blamed yourself. At least if you hated me, you'll remember me, think of me every now and then. But I know you won't. To you, Rukawa is the world, like how you're mine. You'll never think of me. You'll never reciprocate my feelings._

I was idiotic to think I could protect you. Because even if I can protect you from the entire world, I can't protect you from yourself. In the end, you ended up where, I tried to prevent you from going.

I blamed Rukawa for everything, for hurting you, for not loving you. Perhaps I'm the one that hurt you most. I regret killing Rukawa. I'm very sorry that I killed him. My reason for killing him wasn't just to protect you. It was selfish as well. I thought perhaps with him gone you'll forget him and move on. But I'm so wrong. You'll never stop loving him and there's no way I can't change that. How can I battle someone that's dead? Someone who in your heart will remain perfect?

I wonder if absence really does make the heart fonder. Will you remember me now that I'm gone? Will you think about me, once in a while? Probably not.

There's still one nagging question in the back of my mind. I wonder…had you never met Rukawa, had he not existed. Would we be together?

Despite everything Akira, I'm glad I've met you and gotten the chance to know you. Maybe in the next life…

Forever waiting,

Hiroaki.

'Gomen Kosh. I wish you better luck in your next life. I hope you don't ever meet another like me. Instead, I hope you meet someone, who'll love you and appreciate you. Someone who deserves you.'

My hands trembled as I picked up the journal. I opened it to the first page.

Day 2,

I just woke up last night and I can't remember anything. I guess that's why I asked the nurse to go to the gift shop and help me get this.

Maybe writing will help me remember. Or at the very least, if I ever get amnesia again I'll have something to go back to. Something to tell me who I am.

So lets start with the basics. I'm Rukawa Kaede, going to turn 18 on January 1st. I'm the only eyewitness to a murder investigation. But there's something I don't understand. If I saw the murder, why didn't he/she kill me as well? Was he/she wearing a mask? Was he/she scared? Thought I was dead?

Ugh, my head hurts. It always hurts when I try to remember.

Other things about me. I got a boyfriend call Sendoh Akira. Yes, boyfriend. He's very nice, not to mention handsome and cute. That sounds so odd. But it's true. He stayed with me all night and told me a lot about me, us. He was probably sleepy. I slept for 17 days but him…hard to say. He looks so worn out. Is shouldn't have kept him up. But I find his voice so soothing, it comforts me. Even when I think about him now…this tranquilizing feeling falls over me. Like everything will be ok, and the world's not a scary place.

Other things about myself. I go to Shohoku High, and I'm on the starring line of their basketball team. Apparently I'm very good, and that's how Akira and I met. I live alone, they haven't been able to contact my parents that work out of the country. I don't have any siblings or pets.

What else do you think I'll find out about myself?

TBC

'His first opinion of me was high. He trusted me so much and I fed him lies,' I thought ashamed, 'is his opinion of me high because I'm the first person he saw? Like ducklings that associate the first thing they see as their mother? I took advantage of his vulnerability, confusion and fear. I…'

I flipped a couple of pages and stopped on a page that had a picture of us taped there. The picture was a silly one with our cheeks pressed together and tongues stuck out. A picture we took at those instant photo booths.

Absentmindedly I stoke the picture as I read the surrounding text.

Day 10,

Having nothing to do. I searched my entire house a couple of times, very thoroughly. It's official. Whoever I was, I didn't like to keep anything. No pictures, no letters, no notes, no memos, no newspaper clippings, no toys, no nothing! What kind of person was I?!

I asked Akira about this. He said it's because I don't like to take pictures and dump letters after I read it. He said it was amazing that I got a team photo on the top of my dresser. He sounded odd when he said this…sad even. I think he probably asked me to take a picture with him and I refused. Or maybe he written me stuff and I probably dumped it away. I think I was a cold, uncaring person. I must've been a terrible boyfriend.

So I dragged him to the mall to get our picture taken. He was so happy. I'm surprise at how easy it is for him to be happy. When I see him happy, I feel all warm. I vow right now, I'll be a better boyfriend from now on. I'll make Akira happy. Because he's the most important person in my life right now.

TBC

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, 'I was the most important person in your life? You wanted to make me happy? Don't you know you didn't have to do anything. All you had to do was be with me?'

I frowned, 'Ayako mentioned the last entry…'

I flipped to the last entry. I noticed there were patches of dissipated ink and the writing was messy, 'Was he crying when he wrote this?'

This morning I woke up and remembered everything. I should go tell the police everything I know. I liked Hanamichi. Akira killed Hanamichi. Then why am I still here…writing?

Because I can't do it.

The me in these past 26 days and who I was, are 2 completely different people. You can split us into Rukawa and Kaede.

Rukawa was a cynical person. He doesn't need or trust anyone. How could he…I, not he. I'm Rukawa. Why am I so confused? My father left my mother. My mother left me here and went god knows where. I don't believe in love. I don't trust anyone. That's why I kept my distance from people. They're all liars. But I liked Hanamichi. Why? Because he's the type of person that wears his emotions on his sleeve. I can tell what he's thinking and feeling just by looking at his face. He doesn't put up a front like other people.

It's also my guardedness that prevented me from believing Akira when he told me he loved me for the first time. He was actually the first person I can remember telling me that. But I doubted his sincerity. Why? Because I never know what he's thinking. He's always smiling. Even when I told him off.

But these 26 days…I allowed myself to be open. To be dependent. Dependent on him. I've never been more trusting in my life. But I was right not to trust people He lied to me. He took advantage of my trust! I forgotten everything. I was a blank slate. He could fill my mind when anything. And he filled it with lies!

But…those lies were so…lovely. I…I wish I never remembered. I wish I could stay in the dream he so carefully woven for me. But we all must wake up. No matter how beautiful the dream is.

But I don't blame him for lying to me. I can't expect him to tell me the truth. I'm not even mad. I think…he believed in what he was telling me. When he told me about us…he sounded like…he truly believed in it. Maybe he was successful in lying to even himself. Was it his dream…to be with me?

Now I know when he told me he loved me, he meant it.

I love him too. Maybe Rukawa loved him too but was afraid to admit it… When did my love for him begin? Not just in these past 26 days. Rukawa felt something for him as well, but for Rukawa it was easy to push those feelings aside. To pretend they didn't exist. But I can't!

I know I should go to the police…but I can't do that either. I…I love him too much to betray him.

Hanamichi's death is as much my fault as his. Had I accepted Akira…or if I could've just stopped him…

Had he kill me that night I never would be in this dilemma. He couldn't kill me, how can I condemn him to a fate worst than death? What should I do?

The writing suddenly became smoother, more legible_._

I thought about it for a very long time and I finally came to a conclusion. I can't turn him in that much is simple. So I'll let him choose.

I will phone him and let him know I regained my memory. I will meet him at a secluded location. Then I will confront him and tell him I'm going to turn him in. Will he let me live after all the terrible, hurtful things I plan to say? Will he let me go knowing fully well, that I'm going to betray him for another guy? Does he love me that much? I really want to know. I need to know. Perhaps it's the Rukawa part of me that needs to know. Because I already know…

I know it's unfair to Hanamichi. To judge how guilty Akira is by his love for me. But life is unfair and I'm a weak, selfish person.

If he lets me go freely. I will come back here and destroy this book. I will go tell him how I truly feel and…maybe we can put this behind us…

If he decides to kill me…he will most likely go to jail. The police will come to my house to search for clues and they will find this book, realizing who murdered Hanamichi and myself.

But I know that he will choose the former. He will let me go. He let me go once did he not? And when I woke up he was more worried about my well-being than what I remembered. I have confidence that he loves me as much as I love him, if not more. Most of all I trust him.

****

The End


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